When should you say something?
When you've noticed a change from their usual self and it's stuck around. That might be going quiet, being more tired or irritable, more time off, or work slipping. These signs don't mean someone has a mental health problem, and it's not your job to work that out. They're just a reason to check in.
Don't wait until you're certain. Most people I train worry about saying the wrong thing. In practice, saying nothing is usually the bigger risk.
How do you start the conversation?
Find somewhere private, at a time neither of you is rushing. Don't do it straight before a meeting, or tack it onto a performance review. Make it clear you're concerned, not assessing them. Then be specific about what you've noticed:
- "How have things been going for you lately?"
- "You seem less chatty than usual. Is everything okay?"
- "I'm a bit worried about you. I've noticed you've been staying late and you seem flat. How are things?"
Stick to what you've seen, and keep diagnosis out of it. "You seem depressed" puts a label on them. "You've seemed quieter this week" gives them room to answer.
What if they say they're fine?
Respect it, and leave the door open. They may not be ready, or you may not be the right person. Try something like: "No worries. I'm here if that changes." Then keep treating them normally and check in again later. A lot of people need to be asked more than once.
The exception is if you're worried about their immediate safety. See below.
What do you do if they open up?
Mostly, listen. Allow silences. Resist the urge to fix it, compare it with your own experience, or tell them it'll be fine. Try:
- "Thank you for telling me. I know it can be hard to open up."
- "That sounds really difficult. How can I help?"
- "How are you feeling about that?"
Then ask what's helped before, and talk about support. That might mean a GP, your EAP or someone they trust: "Do you have a GP you can talk to?" is a perfectly good question.
What can you do as their manager?
This is where you can do something a friend can't. Ask what at work is making it harder, then look at what you can change, like workload, hours or deadlines. Be clear on what you can and can't do, and put what you agree in plain terms. Clear role descriptions and some extra structure can help too.
JobAccess, an Australian Government service, gives employers advice on workplace adjustments on 1800 464 800. Keep what they've told you private. Ask for their permission before sharing it with anyone, and agree together who else needs to know.
What if performance is also an issue?
Keep the two conversations separate where you can. Start with the person. If performance has to be addressed, talk with HR or get advice on how to do that fairly, then be upfront about it. Don't use a wellbeing chat to raise a performance problem, because people will stop trusting your check-ins.
What if you're worried about their safety?
If you think someone may be thinking about suicide, ask them directly. Asking doesn't put the idea in their head, and it can be a relief. If they're at immediate risk, stay with them if it's safe to do so and call 000. Lifeline is on 13 11 14, any time. Then get support for yourself too. This is the part of the job that training helps with most, because you've practised it before you need it.
What should you do afterwards?
Check in. Put a reminder in your calendar if you need to, because good intentions disappear in a busy week. A quick "How have things been since we talked?" tells them you meant it. Look after yourself as well, and use your EAP if it's stayed with you.
You're not their counsellor, and you don't have to carry this alone. If you want your leaders to practise this properly, it's a big part of what we cover in Mental Health First Aid training for workplaces. There's more on mental health training for managers too.